Joke of the week #12

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Things Customers Shouldn't See!

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an eldery woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

[Kristinsgrandpa]

A pilot  looses power, dons a parachute and jumps. He can't get the chute to open.

 While falling he passes a man going up and asks, "do you know anything about parachutes?" the other man says "no, do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Have a great day!!!!  Mine was yesterday when I got my new (used) genset purring like a kitten.

Ed

[Clarke Echols]

From my youngest daughter (#8 of 9)  who's working on her PhD:

====

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach  in Montego Bay,
Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of  the town. "What a peaceful
and loving couple."

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the  canyon
 by horse.

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

"My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop
her water. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed
a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that?
Are you crazy?!'

"She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

[gumpy]

Have a great day!!!!  Mine was yesterday when I got my new (used) genset purring like a kitten.

That's funny. I have a kitten that purrs like a genset when you scratch him behind the ears 

[gumpy]

And, at the risk of offending SOMEONE, I thought I'd share this one I got yesterday. I haven't laughed at a joke this much in a long long time!

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OUTTA DA MOUTH OF BABES

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. "Human beings are the only animals that
stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the
incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a
running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say
"F#!%," the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[JerryH]

There's a guy laying there on the beach.  He's got no arms and no legs, just watching the ocean.

An attractive blonde woman walks by, looks down, and in an effort to brighten his day says, "Hey there, have you been hugged today?"  "No, no I haven't." Replies the man.  She bends down and gives him a big hug.  He smiles, she continues down the beach.

Time passes when an equally attractive brunette passes, sees him and asks, "Excuse me ... have you been kissed today?"  "No ma'am, no I have not been kissed today."  With that, she crouches down and gives the man a big kiss on the lips.  His chest puffs, he smiles, and she too continues on her way.

More time passes when another woman approaches.  She looks down, sees the no arm and no legged man laying there on the beach.  She looks down and says, "Hey there, have you been screwed today?"  Well, after a hug and a kiss, these words have truly brought a smile to his face.  He responds with excitement, "No dear, I have NOT been screwed today!"

She looks down, looks out to the ocean, then looks back at him and responds, "Well you're gonna ... the tides coming in!"

I do apologize if I've offended any of our quadruple amputee busnuts.

[Moof]

Sorry this is so long, but it is worth the read.

King Arthur and the Witch


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.  He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
H e said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?


Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly!

[HighTechRedneck]

An Aggie goes to work for the Texas Highway Dept. and is assigned to paint the stripes on a certain rural road. Being the new employee's first day the boss takes him out the the starting point and shows him how to do it.  "You set the bucket right here like this."  Then as he mimics the brush strokes he says "And you brush the paint on the road like that.  Got it?"  "Sure do boss." said the Aggie.  With that the boss turns him loose and drives back to his office.

At the end of the day the boss goes out to pick him up and is pleased to find 5 miles of perfect stripe.  The next day he only got one mile painted and on the third day only 100 feet and that's not looking so good.  So the boss decides to get to the bottom of it.

"What's going on?" he asks the Aggie.  "The first day you did great and then yesterday it wasn't so good and today it's ... well ... pathetic."

The Aggie shuffled about for a minute, mostly looking down at the floor.  Finally he looked up and answered "I'm sorry boss. Each day I set up the bucket right where you showed me.  But after a while I start gettin tired and my legs hurt so bad and that danged bucket just keeps gettin further and further away."

[kyle4501]

A bus nut and a lawyer met while fishing in the Caribbean. The fishing was great and they got to talking about their vacations.

The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down and everything in it was destroyed by the blazing fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the bus nut. “I’m here because my house and all my stuff were destroyed by a raging flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The puzzled lawyer asked, ”How do you start a flood?”

[Len Silva]

I'm an Aggie and a busnut and my wife is a witch and I'm highly offended by all three of these jokes 

Len

[brojcol]

I am a Baptist preacher, so I think I can get away with this one...

Three preachers and their wives are on their way to a ministers conference.  They were a Baptist preacher, a Presbyterian minister and an Episcopal priest, and their wives.

One of them said, "Why don't ya'll all ride with me, I have a van and we can all go together.  We'll save money and have fun at the same time."

So they all struck out together.  Wouldn't you know it, they were hit by a train and it killed all six of them. 

Standing at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter beckoned for the Presbyterian minister to step forward.  As the minister stood there, St. Peter went over the book several times.  "I'm sorry sir, I cannot let you in."  Flabbergasted, the minister said, "But why?  I've faithfully served the Lord for 30 years, what could possibly be the problem?" 

"Well", Peter said, "I notice that in your lifetime, you loved money so much that you would not even get married until you met a woman named 'Penny'."

Then, the Episcopal priest was summoned.  Nervously, he stood before the gate as St. Peter looked through the book.  "What's the problem?" the priest sheepishly asked.

"I'm sorry, you're not here either.  I notice that in your life, you loved strong drink so much that you refused to marry until you met a girl named 'Brandy'."

With that, the Baptist preacher, grinning,  looked at his wife and said, "Well Fannie, there's no use is us standing around here..."

Jimmy

[gumpy]

I'm an Aggie and a busnut and my wife is a witch and I'm highly offended by all three of these jokes 

Len

He's a lawyer, too, but that part doesn't offend him. 

[Busted Knuckle]

I was sitting in my boat the other day when I heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

I looked around and couldn't see any one.  I thought I was dreaming when I heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."  I looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
 

I  said, "Are you talking to me?"

The  frog  said,  "Yes, I'm talking to you.  Pick me up.  Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.   
I  looked  at  the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in my front breast pocket.

Then  the  frog said, "What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?  I said kiss me and I will be the most beautiful woman you've ever seen.
 
I opened  my   pocket,  looked  at the frog and said, "Nahhhhhhh....., at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.


I hope I didn't offend any frog lovers or horny toads ! LOL! BK

[Busted Knuckle]

Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old busnut walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell how old you are."

The old busnut said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."

One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts, and we can tell your exact age."

So, embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.

The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, then asked him to jump up and down for a little while. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

The old busnut was stunned. "Amazing! How in world did you know that?"

The ornery old grandmas, laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because you told us yesterday!"

[DrivingMissLazy]

There are a few "dirty words" in the attached Ryans Steakhouse story, but it is one of the funniest stories I have ever read.
Something very similar happened to me on the way home from Ryans a few months ago, but I only had the side of the road to use. An interstate highway to be exact.

PLEASE DO NOT OPEN THIS LINK IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY A FEW OFF COLOR WORDS

http://shtick.org/Misc/ryans.htm