Joke of the Week #20

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

I couldn't resist the religious jokes.....

A Christian Deed

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[HighTechRedneck]

A group of scientists was sitting around discussing who was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore. Finally, one of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

So the scientist says to God, "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking, and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas. We've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."

God nods understandingly and says: "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What d'ya think?"

The scientist says: "Sure I'm all for it. What kind of contest?"

God: "A man-making contest."

The scientist: "Sure! No problem." The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says: "Okay, I'm ready!"

And God says: "No, no, no!   You have to use your own dirt."

[HighTechRedneck]

Several of these are especially good advice for busnuts 

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

1.) Don't miss the boat.
2.) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3.) Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4.) Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5.) Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6.) Build your future on high ground.
7.) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8.) Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9.) When you're stressed, float a while.
10.) Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

[RJ]

Hmmmmm. . .

It's my understanding that an atheiest is someone with no invisible means of support. . .

 

[BusCrazyTom]

Yes, as you know, God loves a self-made man. He doesn't have to accept responsibility for his mistakes! 

[gumpy]

Of course you heard about the dyslexic agnostic?


He's not sure if Dog really does exist! 

[Len Silva]

The preacher was visiting a local farmer and admiring the beautiful land.

"Just look at those lush pastures, what beauty God has brought us"

"And the cattle, all fat and healthy, truly a miracle from God."

"And the rows of corn and potatoes and squash, what a bountiful God to give us these gifts"

The farmer looked at the preacher and said "That's all true Reverend, but you should have seen this place when God was doing it by himself."

[Hi yo silver]

Older Women

When I was married twenty five years, I looked at my wife one day and said, "Honey, you know when were were first married, we had a cheap apartment, an old car, slept on an old couch, watched a 10 inch black and white TV, and I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blond." 

To that she responded, "Tell ya what, you go find yourself a hot 25 year old blond, and I'll see that you get to rent a cheap apartment, drive an old car, sleep on an old couch, and watch a black and white TV!" 

Aren't women great?  They know how to solve all our mid-life crises!   

[kyle4501]

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A FALSE STORY THAT IS FUNNY.
 
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).  He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide
on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG..

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The Dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.  One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, s till standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

And you thought Rednecks only lived in the South.......

[gumpy]

Yeah, heard it before. Never did believe it...

But this one was on the local news.


In MN, if you put a vehicle on the bottom of a lake, you have a fixed period of time to get it out, or the state will remove it and you will pay whatever it costs.

Every spring as the weather warms, you find vehicles all over the state plunging through the ice because their owners are not bright enough to figure out that ice melts in warm weather. There's a fellow who takes off two weeks from his regular job, and he and a buddy or two have built an A-Frame rig to pull vehicles out of lakes... at a cost of $4000 each!

So, this fellow goes fishing in his old truck, and the front wheels break through the ice, leaving him stuck, but still on top. He's not too far from home, so he hikes home and quickly gets his new truck to pull out the old one. Unfortunatley, when he returned to the lake, he could see that now his old truck was sitting on the bottom.

Well, this didn't deter him, and he proceeded out onto the ice in his new truck. You guessed it. It broke through the ice and he was fortunate to escape as it sank to the bottom next to the first one.

So, the news reporter is doing a story on the fellow who just made $8000 off this guy. She turns to the wife of the guy who now owns two water logged trucks and asks her what she thinks about it. She looks at the camera and says quite emphatically, "He should have stayed in the first one!!" 

 

[LUKE at US COACH]

A powerful senator dies.  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter.  "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.  We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you".

"No problem, just let me in" says the senator.

"Well, i'd like to but I have orders from higher up". "What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven".  "Then you can choose where to spend Eternity".

"Really, I"ve made up my mind.  I want to be in Heaven", says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules"  And with that, St. Peter escprts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. 

In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all of his friends and other politicains who had worked with him and every one is very happy and dressed in evening attire.  They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the little people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and cavier.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very firendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.  They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.  Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.  "Now it's time to visit Heaven".

So 24 hours pass with the Senator joing a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and before the Senator realizes it the 24 hours have come and gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven". " Now, choose your Eternity"

The Senator reflects for a minute and answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell".

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land, covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all of his friends, dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to him and lays his arms on his neck.

"I don't understand" stammers the Senator.  "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time". "Now, all there is, is a waste land full of garbage and my friends look miserable".

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaining...Today you voted for us"!!!!"

Caveat:        VOTE WISELY IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION NEXT TUESDAY!!!!

Happy & SAFE!!! Bussin to ALL.

LUKE at US COACH

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Luke,

Isn't that the truth...

No matter who I vote for, it's never gonna make a difference......

But, I'll keep voting!

Nick-