Joke of the week #31?

[kyle4501]

WINTER BLONDE
 
  As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
 
  up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck,
 
  and knocks on the door. The trucker
 
  lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is
 
  Heather and you're losing some of your load.' The
 
  trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
 
  When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
 
  catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up
 
  and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the
 
  window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
 
  brightly, 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you're losing
 
  some of your load!' Shaking his head, the trucker
 
  ignores her again and continues down the street. At
 
  the third red light, the same thing happens again. All
 
  out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
 
  up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down
 
  the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather,
 
  and you're losing some of your load!' When the light
 
  turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next
 
  light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out
 
  of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks
 
  on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
 
  Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter here in Syracuse and
 
  I'm driving the sand truck.

[CS]

Important Tool Info

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou sh$t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[H3Jim]

While I think the inclusion of jokes here is not what I really want to see on the board, I really laughed out loud at this one!  Thanks

[bubbaqgal]

I am so glad you guys put the jokes on here again.  I have been missing them.  Jim, I'm sorry you don't think they really belong on the board but if you see the heading Joke of the week or OT:  and you aren't interested, you just don't read the post.  I read any topic that interests me and ignore those that don't, no  matter what the topic.  Cat

[brojcol]

Ok, LOL funny and have you ever noticed that the funniest jokes are the ones that are true!

[Kristinsgrandpa]

"The funniest ones are the ones that are true".......

OK try this one.



 


 
Wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful! . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." 


Ed

[Lee Bradley]

Not PC!

The Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung
himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am
so sorry,but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"
_________________

[akbusguy2000]

A man came home from work, walked in the front door and said: "Honey, I'm Home."
His wife called out for him to come into the bedroom.
When he entered the bedroom, there was his wife, wearing nothing but a sexy negligee, all made up and striking an enticing pose.  She held out a piece of rope and said: "tie me up, and you can do anything you want." 

So he tied her up and went golfing.

[Lee Bradley]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.



 The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.



 The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.



 Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.



The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.



"Is it wine?" she guessed.



"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.


"No," said the little boy . . . "It's a puppy"!
 

[pipes]

 Victoria's Secret

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
$500 in price,the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie
home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on
and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer That it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on
the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"




He never heard the shot.

[Lee Bradley]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's
license. She dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?"
she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here
it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the
mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go.
I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Nick Badame Refrig/ACC]

Lee,

That was a real good one...Lol

[captain ron]

Lee, You should have stopped with the puppy one, You made me laugh the last one was a reworked old joke and way too predictable.

The comic Critic, AKA Captain Ron