I arrived in Canoga Park, CA at my warehouse two hours after I bought my second bus pressure washed inside and out within 12 hours. After it thoroughly dried, I put my TempurPedic mattress in the back, hung a rod between the wall of an existing hole in the bathroom and the port side wall to hang my clothes, threw some fabric around, and some carpet and throw rugs, chairs, tables, stereo and within twenty-four hours was on my way to Malibu.

The average person would have taken Malibu Canyon to the beach, so I took Decker Canyon, which is very narrow and curvy with Ferraris and sports bikes, praying that they won’t encounter me taking up the whole road in a tight and blind corner. I learned to pick my roads carefully, the easy way this time.
That was the shakedown cruise. The official maiden voyage is in progress right now. I am reporting from the road.

A dear friend of mine called yesterday and said she was in from Florida studying to be a Microscopist or a technician who looks at your drawn blood and evaluates your health. Knowing me to be an avid charlatan exposer, she called me and invited me to attend some classes. I hurried down to evaluate her latest scheme. Apparently, there is a gentleman doctor near San Diego who has studied the blood of ailing people for years and has developed the ability to identify problems by looking at someone’s freshly drawn blood from a finger prick dabbed on a slide and examined under an analytical microscope. He claims that all disease has its source in the imbalance of the body’s PH. Most people are too acidic due to their diet and lifestyle which creates an advantageous environment for bacteria, mold, yeasts and diseases to take root.

I had my finger pricked and could immediately see the swarming and trolling blood cells on a computer screen. My cells were relatively healthy looking, although slightly dehydrated. There is a machine that ionizes water and purifies it and renders it PH balanced so it enhances the body’s ability to heal itself. There are also many products that help including salts and minerals. I am forced to simplify something of which I have a very limited understanding but am confident in saying that I believe a very renowned doctor is no charlatan. He has obviously worked very hard to pioneer a groundbreaking and globally relevant system of evaluating health and curing dis-ease. The most striking thing is that he is not treating symptoms and prescribing drugs and thus avoids pimping for the pharmaceutical companies and gains my confidence. I have believed for a long time that diet is the first change to make in your life when you have some health crisis.

When I travel on my bus, it is best to have a destination with friendly parking. Optimally there is a nice electrical plug within 100 feet and a strip club within 500 feet, or at least a 7-11 or a taco stand. Certainly, the first consideration is making sure there is a place to stop.

Regardless of the thrift store gypsy caravan feel of the inside of my bus, from the outside, I look like a rock star. Stainless steel lower body work will hopefully draw the groupies in swarms. The smell of diesel is comforting, and once you get up to speed on the highway, there is not a car in the world. If you hit someone, you may not even realize it, or at least that is the story I am sticking with if I find myself accused of hit-and-run. I can crush a Hummer like a beer can on a frat boy's head, and that lulls me into a sense of indestructibility. Don’t worry; almost going off the cliff on Decker yanked me out fast.

I like to sleep in my own bed and sheets and use my own pillow, and it is nice to have many material possessions with you on the road. I must have a few tons of stuff that I loaded in the bus, and there is no noticeable difference in the handling. I pulled my rear wheels off the ground and it handles like a sports car. I push buttons on the dash at full speed in a daring test of my masculinity and everything within reach have turned out to be safe to fiddle with on the go and fairly intuitive. I love my bus but wish it would fit one of my cars in a cargo bay…